Fear

Weight has been a struggle for me my entire life.  My mom says I was 26lbs at 6 months.  I was always "solid".  I was never thin.  I don't ever remember a time when I felt like I wasn't bigger than the average girl.  Until the 6th grade, I was one of the tallest kids in the school.  Add to that being a solidly built girl and I felt a bit like an amazon freak.

When I was 14, my doctor tested to see if my thyroid was working properly.  It was.  I decided to give Weight Watchers a shot only to be told that a 2 pound gain was disappointing and that I should have done better than that.  I stopped going.  My already fragile self-esteem took a big hit. 

I tried dieting here and there, but basically resigned myself to the fact that I was always going to be a big girl.  In high school, I was around 165lbs and wore a size 14.  I don't ever remember being smaller than a size 12 in my entire life.  I know I was, but I just don't remember when.

Things got really bad in college.  My freshman year, having access to all the bagels and cereal I wanted all day long, I gained the freshman 40.  I peaked at 198lbs.  I decided to try the campus health center and set up an appointment with the dietician there.  I went for a few weeks, but ended up with serious knee pain that kept me from doing much more than just going to and from classes.  The hike up the hill to the health center was more than I could swing at the time.

After college, I managed, through smaller portion sizes, to drop back down to 160lbs.  I stayed within 10lbs of that until after I got married.  I always thought I was fat, but looking back at my wedding pictures, I'd give anything to be that size again right now.  I got pregnant almost immediately after getting married.  I started at about 180lbs.  My OB didn't tell me until I had gained 17lbs in one month that I had to watch my carb intake because during pregnancy, your body can sometimes mimic diabetes.  I never tested positive for gestational diabetes, but I did gain 55lbs.  I was only able to get about 30lbs of that off.  My second pregnancy, I gained about 30lbs.  I was fortunate in that it was all gone by the time my 6 week post-partum checkup came around.  I managed to get down to 188lbs.  Only to put most of it back on again by the time I got pregnant this last time, my third pregnancy.  I gained 45lbs.  My weight didn't come off very slowly.  I had severe post-partum edema that took a few weeks to go away. 

I'm 34 years old and currently weigh about 214lbs.  At 5'8", my BMI is just over 32 and I'm considered obese.  After having found out recently that my brother has pancreatic cancer at 40 years old, I realize that I need to get healthy for my sake as well as the sake of my family.  I want my family to be the type that goes out hiking or biking on the weekends, spending more time outside than in.  That's not what it's like right now.  We all spend way too much time on our behinds watching TV or playing on the computer.

So what's stopping me?  I have decided it's fear.  Of what?  Failure.  To be honest, my family isn't the most supportive.  My mom is constantly criticizing me and competing with me when there is nothing to compete over.  My grandma is the same way.  My husband wants to be supportive, but has a huge sweet tooth and is constantly bringing home candy.  I can walk past it in the store, but if it's in my house, I'll eat it.  I'm afraid that if I try, I won't be able to do it and will prove the negative voice in my head right.  It's constantly telling me that I can't do it.  It's too hard.  I don't have the time to exercise the way I should.  My kids require too much of my time.  I can put together a plan, but my follow through stinks.

So hopefully, I can use the blog to not only motivate you, but to motivate myself, also.  My goal is to be brutally honest with myself.  To face those things that keep me from succeeding and push through them.  To get outside of my comfort zone.

Come along for the ride!  I hope it's going to be a good one.